Coming out as transgender was the hardest experience of my life. Likewise, it has also been the most rewarding accomplishment of my life.
Being Transgender is difficult!
Life, what can we honestly say about it? It’s a pain in the ass? Yeah, that is one way to put it for sure, it’s a non-stop midnight express of ups and downs, coupled with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts, add transgender to the mix and you have a perfect storm. Those ups and downs are a part of life everyone goes through, but when you are transgender it’s even harder, those ups and downs are even worse. Then at some point it’s just two trains smashing head on into each other and that does not always go well…. If you are transgender you know this struggle well, age plays no part in how hard it is to come out as transgender. It can be a crippling fear because you know how society looks at the LGBT community and you know how being transgender comes with its own baggage. Being Gay or Lesbian is just now starting to become more accepted in general, being transgender, well, not so much.
Saturday, September 14, 2013 2:12:43 PM
That is the exact date and time, all the way down to the second, that I came out as transgender to my mother. Luckily she still had the email that I had sent her, because after that I started destroying my entire past and history of who I was before. Looking back yeah I kinda should of kept some of that stuff just to look back on and to say “Wow, yes I did it and I am much better now!”. However, at the time that was not going to happen, I was beyond done with that life and honestly, I was literally, well, about done with that life in the worst possible ways one could think of. This email is a real turning point in my life, and by sharing it I hope can help someone else come out and live how they were meant to.
There have been some things about myself that I have been trying to figure out, for really as long as I can remember. The only way I can think of getting it all across and explaining everything effectively is to write it all out. I would like to talk to you about it maybe lunch or something, but you need to know everything first because I do not think I could emotionally handle trying to explain it all.
So I really am not sure how to say this, you have always asked me, for I don’t know as far as I can think back really if I was depressed. I have always said no but, that was not the case I have been for a long time. It took me a long time to figure out what it was well not a long time I had figured it out by the time I was 18 but just denied it for so long and it just eats away at you little by little. It’s amazing how much you can put yourself into denial until it all blows back because you can’t hold it inside anymore. When I was about 14 or 15 might have been sooner I can’t really remember the age I am just horrible with ages anyhow. I thought I might be gay, I liked all the pretty cloths all the girls could wear, mine on the other hand kind of boring. Few years went by towards my senior year, I discovered what transgender was. Everything started to make sense for me, I was not gay I was a female trapped inside of a man’s body. I just was not really sure what it really meant for me then. I am sure you know what it means but just in case you don’t. It’s not a drag queen or anything like that not just a man cross-dressing. It’s a slow process about three years give or take of fully switching my sexual orientation from male to female. Through hormones and surgery if it’s something I decided to do I think it’s an option for sure.
I know this whole thing goes back even before I started to understand things. I remember playing with dolls and my little ponies when I was little. I know dad did not like it at all but that’s really I can remember about that. Likewise video games I have always made female characters always, which I think kind of slowed this process down a bit. But I know I should have said something sooner I just did not know how.
So now you know the reason why you thought I was depressed, which was right I am. I am going to continue to be unless I can make this change in my life. I know this is going to be hard for you to read and I hope you will come to understand why. I just hope that I am not a disappointment now that you know the truth. A lot of transgender people loose their family because of the truth I hope it’s not the case, because I am going to need a lot of support and help with this can’t do it alone. This past few months has just been really hard for me finally coming to terms with everything and stopping the denial of who I am. I have hid most of my personality from everyone most of my life I got use to just faking that I was one of the guys so to speak. This may come as a surprise that I actually love shopping and want to go shopping but just not for guys cloths you know.
I don’t mind if you should this to dad but please just don’t tell any else yet. It’s something I have to do on my own. Still trying to figure out how to tell my wife, I hope she can be supportive of all of this too. I have my doubts with that one though and that’s what scares me the most because I love her so much. Nothing would ever change that, but I am just worried the change would be too much for her.
The letter was the hardest thing I had ever had to send. I can remember talking with my mom on the phone before I sent it. She was worried because of how I was sounding and knew something was really wrong, but I would not tell her over the phone. I just told her I will send you an email that will explain everything. I seriously must of read the letter billions of times, and hovered over that send button for a good hour or more, because I knew once I hit that send button that my life was never going to be the same ever again.
I was right and my life was never going to be the same again. It was going to be a struggle and a fight for everything that I had. Within minutes of sending that letter to my mom she was calling me on the phone. I am not sure how long it took her to call me really, but it felt as though she was calling right as I hit that send button. When I picked up that phone every thought was running though my head, the worst possible outcomes, of my family disowning me and never wanting to see me again, was all I could think about.
The first thing my mother said was “I am sorry I missed it”. She was devastated that she never knew and was not able to help me sooner. Then I just pretty much broke down and cried, so her and my dad had to come over and take me out for noodles because I was pretty much unable to talk on the phone. They were really good noodles, I recently went back to that noodle place with my mom and dad about a month ago. It was kinda surreal because the last time I was there was before I transitioned and, now, there I was as the real me. It’s funny the small things that make an impact on you, I’ll always associate that noodle place with me coming out as the real me.
My parents have been great from the start of my transition and in reality I should of known it given how they are always in support of the LGBT community. Their resources were great in helping me find doctors and getting on my way, both of my parents have worked in the medical field for years, so someone being transgender was not a new concept to them; They just had no idea that I was, let alone battling it for 29 years. It was shortly after that my dad introduced me to one of his colleagues another doctor who is also another transgender women. I can really never thank my parents enough for all their help and my sister and brother for their support also. My grand mother was also very supportive of my transition she pretty much said “It does not matter what Chloe does, she is still the same person just a different wrapper”. My family on both my mom and dad’s side of the family have supported me from day one of my transition. If only this was the common scenario for everyone that comes out as transgender, sadly, it is not the case.
So far everything had been going great on my coming out as transgender. Even long time friends were fine with me coming out, although some of them thought my Facebook got hacked because of my coming out message, which we all had a good laugh about that one later on. Coming out to my ex-wife was the second hardest part of my coming out process. I sat on the couch for a good 4 hours, not saying anything after I told her we needed to talk. She was shocked to say the least. Her first thought had been omg “Insert Dead Name Here, cheated on me”, but that was not the case; I was just trans so it was a relief and also another issue all at the same time. She never saw it coming, it was like a blindside to her.
After a few days of just shock and numbness she broke down and just cried about it and what it could mean for our relationship. She said she was supportive and she did try to some extent. However in the end it did not work out for us, the person I really was did not mesh well with her. She was used to me being more passive and my new found trait of having my own opinions caused a divide. At one point she told me she was just not attracted to women, then she ended up engaged to another transgender women. In the end I helped her understand that there is more to her sexuality and that she is actually attracted to women. So then we broke up and got divorced, and the divorce got a little nasty, but in the end we did not part on the worst terms or the best terms, it just is how it is. Will her and I ever talk and patch up a friendship out of all of this? I do not know because the future is always an uncertain thing. I do hope the best for her and that her future is filled with love and happiness, because at the end of the day, being happy is what it’s all about.
Thoughts About My Future
Nothing is certain. I have learned so much and met so many amazing people through my journey. Life will never be easy and that is a sure thing. Sometimes I get mis-gendered, sometimes I feel really down and out about life but i do know that I have amazing family in my life as well. I have an amazing girlfriend who is always there for me. She loves me unconditionally and we have our moments of weakness where we fight and just piss each other right off but that in itself is just another part of life and being in a relationship. We have a very healthy relationship based on trust and an open chain of communication. Unlike how, sometimes, when you stick two girls together it can be just like throwing two cats into a box and shaking it up. Moral of the story is we love each other at the end of the day, and life goes on, and its beautiful that thing called life.
Transition, it’s a process it takes time and it’s a whole lot of hard work. I have come so far in the last few years of my life and for the first time I am alive and I love life. It’s these struggles that have made me strong and my past that has helped define the women that I am today. Out of all of this I hope, that at the very least, the one thing that anyone can take away with them from having read this article is that:
Dreams are possible, you just have to be willing to take a leap into the unknown.
I want to close this out with some of my transition videos, in fact, the very first video I ever made, right before Christmas of 2013. My first Christmas as my real self was quite the step. Also there are some pictures of my transition.
p style=”text-align: center;”>Christmas 2015, love and be happy everyone!